英検2級ライティング添削をお願いします！！ 文法、単語、内容など改

Question

善すべき点を教えていただけるとありがたいです。

【QUESTION】Most elementary schools in Japan serve lunch to their students. Some people say that this service should be stopped. What do you think about that?

I disagree to stop this service.
First, it is good for their health.
They can eat rice,soup,milk and so on.
they need those food.
Also,it is delicious.
So,it is good for their mental.
Second,it is good for their household.
It is so cheap.
because it is cooked a lot at time.
Also,their parents need not to cook their lunch.
So,it helps their parents.
Therefore,they are sometimes served rigion food.
So,they can learn their region tradition.
Thus,I agree to continue serve lunch.

Answer 1

文章の冒頭で「I disagree to stop this service.」は、「I disagree with stopping this service.」と表現されるべきです。
「they need those food.」は「they need those foods.」と訂正されます。
「Also, it is delicious. So, it is good for their mental.」の表現を修正して、「Additionally, the enjoyable taste contributes positively to their mental well-being.」としました。
「It is so cheap. because it is cooked a lot at a time.」は、「It is so cheap because it is cooked in large quantities.」となります。
「Also, their parents need not to cook their lunch.」は「Moreover, it relieves parents from preparing lunch.」と変更しました。
「Therefore, they are sometimes served rigion food.」は「Therefore, occasionally introducing regional foods allows them to learn about local traditions.」と訂正されます。
「Thus, I agree to continue serve lunch.」は「Thus, I support the continuation of the school lunch service.」となります。

Answer 2

＝2級添削
＝文法、単語、内容など改善すべき点

文頭には、接続詞は置けない。