英検２級ライティングの添削をして頂きたいです。

Question

英検２級ライティングの添削をして頂きたいです。Some people say that it is important for university students to take gym classes.
Do you agree with this opinion?

I agree that it is important for university students to take gym classes .
First, they can stay healthy in the future. In many cases, if they do not exercise at school, the health is likely to get worse and worse. However, by taking gym classes, they will be able to sweat a lot.
In the second place, It is exciting for them to exercise with their friends. Also, they can learn the important of cooperating with friends.
In conclusion, I strongly agree with this opinion for the two reasons mentioned above.

91語です。
よろしくお願いします。

Answer 1

I agree that it is important for university students to take gym classes.
First, they can stay healthy in the future. In many cases, if they do not exercise at school, their health is likely to get worse and worse. However, by taking gym classes, they will be able to sweat a lot.
In the second place, It is exciting for them to exercise with their friends. Also, they can learn the importance of cooperating with friends.
In conclusion, I agree with this opinion for the two reasons mentioned above.

strongly を消しました。
話し言葉では、「有り」なのですが、英文の書いたものの中で使うと、強調されすぎて、あまり良い文ではなくなってしまいます。強調されすぎて､ネイティブの人には、すこし胡散くさく感じられてしまいます。
very なども文章の中では、できるだけ使わない方がいいです。